The first day of the rest of my life!

Yesterday I had a really bad day; I was already feeling miserable because of lack of sleep and lack of motivation to do anything. Then I made a mistake and indulged in a vice, and most importantly, I lied about this vice for a long time already to my girlfriend, she found out yesterday. She was rightfully furious that I lied to her and told me I finally needed to DO something about my problems or face up to the consequences! I have to be a man and take my responsibilities! This is the drop which floods the bucket for me, so I have decided to finally get my life on the rails again, be more organized and start to focus on the important things in life.

On advise of my girlfriend I have started seeing a psychologist to help me. We have started to work on my problems and have made some progress already. I have things to do in the near future, I have to tell my mother everything for example I have to tell her I have been lying to her for a very long time already and fess up that I did not finish my study when I have been telling her for years already that all is well and it is progressing very well. I have to learn to talk about my feelings, which is immensely hard for me since I don't really share my feelings with anyone. Only my girlfriend knows more about me then anyone in the world.   

One of the things battling in my mind is my financial situation, I have a job, I make money but halfway through the month, my money runs out and I always have to think before I buy anything (even something cheap) whether I can afford it! Pension ? I do not have one, I am 30 years old now and I am worried about it!

There are numerous things I need to do now to solve this situation. I have to make an appointment with my mother together with my psychologist so I can tell her everything. This is on the planning for within a week! This scares the shit out of me, but I know I have to tell her everything so I can be healthy again. I should not have to mull this around in my head every moment of the day, this interferes with my life!

I have to do some research into who can help me with my financial situation, for example with my tax returns (which I have not filled in for more then 5 years). In addition, I have to make a budget showing where my money goes because now I do not know where it goes.  

All of the things I have been putting away in a little compartment in my head where I keep everything I don't want to think about. This compartment is full at the moment and i keep having to lean against the door to keep it closed because it is overflowing! This takes a lot of energy and this energy is just the energy I need to solve my problems and come through this. Therefore, the plan is to unload the contents of this cabinet and get it out there. This way I will not be bothered every day with the contents and am hopefully able to close the door on this compartment when it is empty and forget that it even exists so I will not fall for this trap again!

This post is a bit of an experiment, I want to try to document my progress on this path. Not only for me, later, when I look back and can read up on how I felt in this time. Also for the people that are close to me, so they can get the insight into my mind I have a hard time giving them in person, face to face. To motivate myself to follow this process through and not give up when I have not even started like I mostly do with a project. I enthusiastically start on a project, get bored or energy less and put it down again without making much (any at all actually) progress.

Therefore, by posting my feelings, plans and resolutions here I want to force myself to follow through!

//Z

Sunrisephoto by Steve Locke